By Michael Fehlauer
When it came to parenting teens, in no way were Bonnie and I perfect parents. In addition, were not the perfect family, but we were healthy – there’s a big difference between the two. Healthy parents know what their purpose is. It is parenting with this sense of purpose that becomes the first step in making a difference in the lives of our teenagers. If we know what our purpose is and where we want to go, then as we journey through the path of parenthood, we are able to make “course corrections” when needed. The following are what I consider vital principles to staying on course and parenting teenagers with a clear purpose.
1. Create an environment of unconditional love and aceptance. It is important to create an atmosphere in which your teenager experiences unconditional love. Three characteristics of love are acceptance, understanding and commitment. The opposite of these is judgment, rejection and manipulation.
Manipulation loves the end result – the change of behavior – more than the person. The goal of “conditional love” is seeing our teen’s behavior change instead of seeing them changed.
Often times, when we love conditionally, our hope is that our teen’s desire for our acceptance will be strong enough to cause them to change their behavior. Inadvertently, we are training them to live for the acceptance of others.
2. Reward honesty. When our children were teenagers, we explained that if they were honest by either telling us the truth when confronted, or confess a wrongdoing to us, their punishment would be less severe. This approach accomplishes two things. (1) It helps teenagers see the benefit of honesty; and (2) it facilitates open communication.
When parenting teens, another thing that is helpful is creating an environment of honest communication. Often this starts with we as parents being willing to admit when we are wrong. As long as we project the impression we have it all together, our teenagers will not be open about their struggles. In addition, establishing open lines of communication allows us to maintain influence during this precarious season of our teenager’s lives.
3. Avoid bringing up the past. Reminding your teen of past wrong doings results in keeping a ledger of failure. When we bring up the past in order to drive home a point, we are poisoning our teenager’s hearts with shame. This communicates to our teens that we are defining who they are by what they have done. The result is despair. There is no way they can undo their mistakes.
This is where it is important to remember the love-giving act of forgiveness. Forgiveness declares that mercy is greater than the mistake. Forgiveness expresses the value of the person is greater than the sin. Forgiveness erases the ledger and refuses to relate to our teenagers with regard to their failures.
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