relationship builder

By Bonnie Fehlauer

Is it really possible to forgive and forget? If you truly forgive, do you then forget? As we explore the idea of forgiveness, it is valuable to realize that nothing has more potential for poisoning your life and sabotaging your future than the way you handle life’s offenses.

There are three misconceptions that keep you from being able to forgive others.

Misconception #1- Forgiveness is simply an act of the will. Many believe that you can simply choose to forgive and forget. First of all, you rarely forget. Secondly, forgiveness starts as an act of the will, but is completed in the heart.

Once you’ve decide to forgive, you must find resolution to the emotions of bitterness and in extreme cases, hatred. If not, you will find yourself experiencing the dizzying effect of circling through a revolving door of emotions; going from a sense of peace, to the familiar pain and hurt of the past.

In order to forgive and forget, there must be a release from the emotional pain that you’ve experienced. The only way to achieve this kind of resolution is to accept the power of Love.

When you are hurt by the actions of others, it is your sense of value that feels threatened. The violation of trust strips you of a sense of worth. Consequently, you feel vulnerable and unsafe.

It is through God’s unconditional love that you once again experience your sense of value and rediscover your identity and worth. When your sense of value and peace is found in God’s unchanging love, you then feel you can afford to let the offender go. Why? Because, you don’t need the scales of injustice to be balanced in order to be ok.

Misconception #2 – I am only required to forgive those who ask for my forgiveness. If you embrace this thought, then whether or not you ever experience any resolution is based on the person who has wronged you. Often, the person who has hurt you either has no idea what they have done or they simply don’t care. If you are waiting for them to come to their senses and ask for your forgiveness, then you’ve placed your heart in the hands of someone else.

Here is a profound truth – forgiveness isn’t about the people who have wronged you! It is about you, your heart and your relationship with God. A heart that is poisoned by unresolved anger and bitterness affects every relationship you have.

Misconception #3 – If I don’t forgive them, then I maintain control in the relationship. Often the anger you feel when you have been wronged stems from the fact that you feel you have lost some aspect of control to the offender. As a result, your choice to “hold on” to the offense is actually an attempt to regain a sense of control that you feel you’ve lost.

When you attempt to imprison others with unforgiveness, you become imprisoned by your own anger and bitterness. You have not regained control through your unforgiveness, you have relinquished it.

That’s why it is vital you find your sense of worth in the power of Love. Without the security you receive in God’s love, every relationship you have will be colored by past disappointments and hurts.

It is possible to forgive and forget. Thankfully, through God’s grace, you can relinquish your attempt to control. By the power of His love, you can afford to truly forgive, canceling the debt of hurt and disappointment.Though your mind remembers, your heart can forget.

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