relationship builder

By Bonnie Fehlauer

Many struggle with the fear of intimacy. People genuinely need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. They need to love and be loved (non-sexually and sexually) by others.

In the absence of emotionally-based, meaningful and affirming contact with other humans, many become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, depression and dysfunctional relationships.

In some people, the need for belonging can even overcome the more primal physiological and security needs. An anorexic, for example, may ignore the physiological need to eat and the security of health for a feeling of control and belonging.

Fear of intimacy interestingly enough, is a fear we can learn to live with, yet it becomes a massive barrier blocking the meaningful social connections we crave. Here are 4 core fears that stand in the way:

1) Fear of Exposure – One way of understanding intimacy is “into-me-see.” We all have things in our lives of which we are ashamed. Our natural impulse is to cover ourselves and hide -from each other and God – the way the first man and woman did after their rebellion. We set up walls so no one can look too deeply into our souls.

2) Fear of Rejection – One of the most-asked questions of all time is, “If you knew the real me, would you still love me?” And then, “Will I ultimately find myself abandoned and alone?” This can compel us to wear a socially-acceptable mask and avoid the authenticity that is essential to true intimacy. This expression of a fear of intimacy only perpetuates the aloneness we feel.

3) Fear of Failure – When we extend ourselves on a deep emotional level, we take a risk. There is always the possibility of failure, deep disappointment and heartbreak. Often this sense of failure can result in feelings of anger. Consequently, anger can lead to the fear of intimacy. When we understand the steps in controlling anger, intimacy in our relationships can grow.

4) Fear of Responsibility – Establishing and maintaining an intimate relationship requires a commitment unlike any other. Sacrificial love is the foundation for that decision and we can choose instead to retreat into our isolated world of self-protection.

Only through experiencing unconditional love that transcends our creature faults and failures, can we break through these blockades of fear.

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear.” Imagine … the way to defeat fear of intimacy is to mature in love. The second greatest commandment says to “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

Conclusion

The key phrase is, “as you love yourself.” Until we can personally grasp a superior love available to us that meets our valid needs for worth instead of shame; inner peace and security instead of desperation for another human being’s acceptance; optimism and hope even when failure and loss come knocking at our door; and the inner resources to accept the responsibility that open-ended commitment requires. Our prototype and benefactor for such other-earthly love is God for “God is love.” When you open your heart to Him, your journey toward true intimacy begins.

The familiar quote rings true, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Why? Because YOU are better for having received and given love, no matter the ultimate response of the recipient.

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