relationship builder

By Michael Fehlauer

Even though the following conflict resolution techniques may help in resolving conflict, people instinctively reject relational formulas that are separate from an attitude of genuine care. These techniques are only as effective as the sincerity of your love for others.

1. Refrain from speaking negative and hurtful words – When you are angry or frustrated it is very tempting to say everything you are thinking at the time. That never works out well. You need to remind yourself of the power of the words you speak. Words can either incite defensiveness or promote an attitude of peace. Words of kindness establish a setting for mutual respect and love. A healthy first approach is to take some time before you address the conflict. Allow your emotions to stabilize and allow “cooler heads” to prevail.

2. Exercise patience – Patience is a mark of maturity. It demonstrates you care more about the welfare of others over yourself. Not all conflicts are immediately resolved. Often it takes time for the process of resolution to take place. People process things differently. Some go through that process more quickly than others. Patience accepts the reality of the step-by-step process of relationships.

3. Distinguish between the person and their behavior – In looking at conflict resolution techniques, it’s important to separate the person from their behavior. You approve or disapprove of “things” (behavior, actions, and lifestyles), you accept “people”. One doesn’t cancel the other. Having long-term healthy relationships requires accepting others, even if you don’t approve of their decisions.

One quote I read says; “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” When a person feels acceptance, it frees them from feeling the need to be defensive.

4. Take responsibility for your emotions – We often make statements like, “He/She makes me so mad”. The truth of the matter is no one makes us angry. The initial feeling of anger may be reactionary, but to stay angry in resolving conflict is a choice.  Controlling anger is an important aspect in maintaining a clear perspective during conflict.

You have no control over what others do or say. If you want to see resolution to conflict, you must exercise what you do have control over-your emotions.

Taking responsibility for your emotions allows you to see clearly, giving you a perspective that in most cases will bring healing to the relationship.

5. Live the law of love - The most effective of conflict resolution techniques is to respond with the law of love. Living the law of love enables us to hear people with the “third ear”- our heart. Showing unconditional love removes the person’s need to defend themselves.

If a person is lashes out, it’s usually because they are afraid or they feel devalued in some way. Times of conflict are a great opportunity to express worth to them by responding in a loving and respectful way.

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