The same work of the Holy Spirit that is involved at salvation – the miracle of joining us to Jesus –  is the same miraculous work of the Spirit that joins a man and woman in holy matrimony. It’s just that holy!

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The bell in a church tower is rung by pulling a rope. After the person lets go of the rope the sounds of the bell continue to ring. As time passes the bell rings slower and slower until the sound finally stops.

When we choose to forgive we are taking our hands off the rope. In the same way the sounds of the bell continue to ring, the memories of the offense continue to repeat.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget.

If we can leave our hands off the rope and resist the urge to once again pull on the offense of the past, just like the sounds of the bell, the feelings will slowly fade until sound of anger is silenced.

[Ephesians 4:32] Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

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Do you often find the need to explain or defend yourself? When around this friend, do you find yourself  feeling guilty for no apparent reason? Do you pretend to agree and go along with things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace? Are you finding yourself isolated from your friends and family in order to maintain the friendship? When you are around this specific person, do you often feel obligated?

We can either be controlled by others or captured by Christ. Knowing that we are accepted by God enables us to find our identity in His love and not the acceptance of others. When we are secure in God’s acceptance we are able to find the confidence to not only recognize an unhealthy relationship, but to break free from its control.

[Romans 15:7] …….just as Christ ACCEPTED you, in order to bring praise to God.

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We approve or disapprove of “things” (behavior, actions, and lifestyles) we accept “people”. One doesn’t cancel the other. Having healthy relationships requires accepting others even if there are things about them we don’t approve or even like.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Overlook an offense and cement a friendship; fasten on to every little  annoyance and — good-bye, friends and hello loneliness!”

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In the spring of 1894, the Baltimore Orioles came to Boston to play a routine baseball game. But what happened that day was anything but routine. The Orioles’ John McGraw got into a fight with the Boston third baseman. Within minutes all the players from both teams had joined in the brawl. The warfare quickly spread to the grandstands. Among the fans the conflict went from bad to worse. Someone set fire to the stands and the entire ballpark burned to the ground. Not only that, but the fire spread to 107 other Boston buildings as well.

Proverbs 22:24 says, “Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious— don’t get infected.” There are folks that are constantly critical and angry most of the time. Not only are they exhausting to be around, but you will find yourself being infected by their anger.

2. Those who often gossip about others – Unhealthy relationships can also be characterized by those who have a habit of gossiping about others. Something I have realized is that folks, who gossip to me about others, are probably gossiping about me to others. John Maxwell says, “You never display your character more clearly than when you speak about the character of others.”

Continue to develop and nurture friendships with those you hear speaking words of encouragement about others.

3. Those who remind you of your past failures – Another key characteristic of unhealthy relationships are those who attempt to keep you in the past. When people remind you of your failures, it is an attempt to keep the “upper hand” in the relationship. People do this because of their own insecurities.

You’re not going to change one single whisper that’s taken place in the yesterdays of your life! Regardless of your past, tomorrow is a clean slate! God does not oversee or manage your past. God has no plans or designs for your yesterdays. But, He is actively designing your future. He does have a purpose for your tomorrows. Surround yourself with those who remind you of God’s purpose for your life.

4. Those who manipulate – Webster’s definition of manipulation is, “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.” The essence of manipulation is to attempt to get people to do what you want, regardless if it’s in their best interest.

Being controlled and manipulated is a horrible feeling. It strips away your fundamental sense of value and worth. Those who attempt to manipulate you are making a statement of your worth, as well as the value they place on your relationship.

Making friends that bring you life

If you place a hot poker near the heat of a fire, it too becomes hot. To succeed in relationships we need to follow the same principle. Surround yourself with great men and women. Remove your unhealthy relationships and begin to foster the type of friendships that empower your life. True friendship doesn’t happen by coming into a relationship thinking about what you’re going to get – you will only “get” disappointment. Great relationships are only created by giving!

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The people you surround yourself with help shape your world. Here are three types of relationships that empower your life.

The coach – The coach has already navigated through the issues of life that you are currently facing, giving them the insight to guide you through the different seasons of your life. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from someone who has succeeded where you want success.

The peer – One of the other relationships that empower your life are those who stand beside you. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” The quality of your life will never rise above the quality of your friendships. Your life is defined by your relationship with God and your relationship with others. I encourage you to take a look at a previous article where I list 6 characteristics of healthy relationships.

Those we coach – Everyday you have the opportunity to establish relationships that empower others. In speaking about the law of God with all of its commands, Jesus summed it up with only two commandments – Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said we were to make “disciples” of all nations. You have the privilege of empowering the lives of others. The things that last for eternity are the investments you make in the lives of those around you.

An old proverb says, “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.”

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1. Flattery – Flattery is different than a compliment – A compliment adds to a person. It builds within you a sense of confidence free from any ulterior motives. Flattery on the other hand is insincere and selfish in its motive – which is simply to gain a greater sense of control. Flattery always deals with comparisons. The flatterer will privately build you up in the process of tearing down others.

2. Rejection – In looking at signs of a controlling relationship there is a red flag that I call “conditional acceptance.” An expression of conditional acceptance is calculated rejection. In other words, by expressing rejection toward you, the controller hopes your desire for their acceptance will be strong enough to cause you to change your behavior; resulting in a subtle form of manipulation. True friendship is acceptance, understanding and commitment – regardless of whether or not you do want another person wants you to do.

3. Sense of Indebtedness – Initially it may seem too good to be true – you suddenly have someone in your life that is always there to help just at the right time. Yet, over time it becomes clear the gifts and expressions of generosity have strings attached. By reminding you of all they have done, they create in you an overwhelming sense of indebtedness and obligation.

4. Inordinate loyalty – The controller will always demand loyalty at the expense of your other relationships. They will often find ways to “drive a wedge” between you and the other friends and family members in your life, isolating you from others.

Conclusion

When looking at the signs of a controlling relationship, it is important to ask yourself the following questions: Do you often find the need to explain or defend yourself? Do you find yourself feeling guilty? Do you find yourself apologizing more than you normally would? Do you pretend to agree and go along with things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace? Are you finding yourself isolated from your friends and family? When you are around a specific person, do you often feel frightened or intimidated?

By discovering your sense of worth and value in God’s love, you can find the confidence to not only recognize an abusive relationship, but to break free from its control.

Let’s Talk: Have you ever found yourself in an unhealthy or controlling relationship? What have you found is the most effective way to end a controlling relationship? What would you say is the result of controlling relationships?

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2. Safe relationships involve celebrating differences - The difference between you and others is a reason for celebration. The beauty of the distinction between you, your friends, your mate and your family members can be likened to the genius of the different parts of the human body having unique functions, yet contributing to the health of the whole body.

3. Safe relationships involve honoring others – We demonstrate honor to others by respecting their perspective and opinions. When we allow others to express their views and feelings, we are communication the fact that they have value. In the Bible we read, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” [Romans 12:10]

4. Safe relationships involve being trustworthy – Tom Peters, businessman and author says, “Technique and technology are important, but adding trust is the issue of the decade.” Mahatma Gandhi said, “The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.”

Trust is a function of both character and competence. Consequently, strive to follow through with your promises – both in word and performance.

5. Safe relationships involve respecting boundaries – Often when people feel threatened or insecure they will erect an emotional wall of protection. Resist the temptation to knock down the wall and force yourself through their boundaries. Instead through patience and understanding, create a climate where the other person feels safe enough to begin to lower the wall of protection on their own and in their own time.

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1. The obvious problem is rarely the real problem – Typically what we think is the relationship killer -finances, our partner, or our careers – isn’t the real problem. The emotions of anger, anxiety or frustration are symptoms – just like the pain we experience in our body is often a symptom of a greater issue.

2. In most cases, the core relationship killer lies in the area of fear – Fear is a part of our humanity. It is a part of what the Bible describes as our fallen nature. Fear is the first negative emotion Adam and Eve experienced after they disobeyed God and ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” [Genesis 3:8-10]

Just as fear brought shame to Adam and Eve, weakening their relationship, fear has the potential of destroying our relationships as well.

3. We all deal with the relationship killer of fear to some degree – Because of this fallen nature of mankind, we all deal with some degree of fear –fear of intimacy, of rejection and of failure.

4. You can break the driving force of fear – You can find victory over the paralyzing effects of fear. In 1 John 4:18 we read, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

The opposite of fear is not faith, but love. It is the understanding of God’s unconditional love that gives you the confidence to move beyond your fears and to love others. When you are convinced of God’s love, then you feel you can afford to extend yourself to others. God’s love gives you the inner security to risk rejection and failure in your relationships.

There is a great quote by Mother Teresa that articulates overcoming fear in order to love others unconditionally: “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

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True communication happens when we are able to listen beyond the angry or agitated words of others. Once you choose to hear beyond their emotions you can discover creative ways to communicate to the heart of your loved one.

2. Effective communication involves being touched by the emotion of others – The Bible challenges us to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. When you are touched by the feelings of others you communicate value to their dreams and concerns. If you come into a relationship thinking about what you’re going to get, you will only “get” disappointment. Great relationships are created by giving!

3. Effective communication skills involve understanding – Author and speaker Ken Blanchard says, “Real communication happens when people feel safe.”   Do you create a place of safety for those around you?  When your friends and loved ones  are around you, do they feel the need to be guarded?

There are two ways to create an atmosphere where others feel safe:  a) reward honesty and b) let them feel that they are being understood, even if you disagree with them. Richard Moss says, ”The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention and compassion.”

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