The same work of the Holy Spirit that is involved at salvation – the miracle of joining us to Jesus –  is the same miraculous work of the Spirit that joins a man and woman in holy matrimony. It’s just that holy!

Share on Facebook

Good communication in marriage is a skill that can be learned. How to listen is a huge first step in developing healthy communication in your relationships. Even more so, learning what to listen for is a greater key.

David Schwartz says, “Big people monopolize the listening. Small people monopolize the talking.”

Share on Facebook

When discussing the sexual differences in men and women, many couples might throw up their hands in frustration. As Christians we believe our differences can cause us to lift up our hands in praise. God’s created differences between men and women are nothing short of holy. Differences bring balance, fullness, and completion to a marriage. We each have something to teach; we each have something to learn.

In the movie Rocky, the not-so-articulate boxer played by Sylvester Stallone made a profound observation about his girlfriend, Adrian. “She’s got gaps; I got gaps. Together we fill gaps.” Each spouse fills the other’s gaps.

In looking at the sexual differences in men and women, we suggest you see women like water and men like ice cubes. Men and women are made from the same substance but are different in form. Men like an ice cube, tend to be hard, fixed and concentrated. Women, like water are more lucid and flowing, whether in their relationships or in their verbal communication. Sexual intercourse between a husband and wife is much like putting an ice cube in water. The man comes into the women hard and separate from her, but as they linger in intimate touch, they melt together in oneness. The man loses his hard edge and the woman is filled up by him. As they melt together in sexual love their differences dissolve.

She’s the author of Creative Counterpart, Calm My Anxious Heart, and The Blessings Book. Linda and her husband Jody lived in Europe and Asia for 17 years training Christian leaders in closed countries with Biblical Education by Extension, During this time, Linda traveled extensively in Romania, Russia, Hungary, Poland and Asia.
Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment

Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex
The Blessing Book: When They Walk Through the Valley of Weeping, It Will Become a Place of Refreshing Springs. Psalms 84:6

Share on Facebook

In the same way, successful relationships require following the “hot poker” principle. By placing yourself in the right kind of environment you can keep the heat alive in your marriage.

1. Keeping love alive requires attending a marriage conference at least once a year- This is an investment that continues to build your marriage. There are several ministries that offer quality conferences throughout the year. A couple of the ones that Bonnie and I have enjoyed are The Weekend to Remember with the Dennis Rainey Ministry and the Love and Respect conference by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

2. Keeping love alive requires reading great books – There are a lot of great resources available that offer practical relationship advice. Here is a list of some of the books that Bonnie and I have really enjoyed and have found to be very helpful:

There are a lot of great resources available that offer practical relationship advice. Here is a list of some of the books that Bonnie and I have really enjoyed and have found to be very helpful:

• The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
• The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley The DNA of Relationships (Smalley Franchise Products)
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

We also have several more books and resources available at our Relationship Builder eStore,http://www.relationship-builder.com/estore/

3. Keeping love alive requires finding a small group in your local church to attend – Most churches have marriage small groups available throughout the year. This is a great opportunity to not only make weekly or monthly deposits into your relationship, but it’s also a great opportunity to develop friendships with other couples.

Share on Facebook

The term “breath of life” in the Hebrew is actually translated “breath of lives.” When God breathed life into Adam He also imparted the essence of Eve’s life as well.

2. The Christian marriage revealed in the making of one flesh – Genesis 2:21 says, “So the LORD God caused man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”

God did not breathe life into woman as He did in man. The reason is, when God took Adam’s rib, He also withdrew the life of Eve previously imparted into Adam.

The big idea here is that there was more than a physical connection in the first marriage union. When God removed Adam’s rib, Adam and Eve became “one flesh”. In addition, the same Spirit that brought life to Adam is also the same Spirit that gave life to Eve as well.

3. The Christian marriage revealed in the work of the Spirit –The marriage union isn’t a contract, or a legal agreement. It isn’t two people who have decided to live together and combine their resources. It isn’t simply an arrangement that society came up with to allow a man and woman to be sexual involved without feeling guilty. And, most importantly, the marriage union was not the invention of man – but the creation of God.

The same work of the Holy Spirit that is involved at salvation – the miracle of joining us to Jesus –  is the same miraculous work of the Spirit that joins a man and woman in holy matrimony.

4. The Christian marriage revealed in the earth – The marriage union is the only human relationship that is used to illustrate the most sacred of all relationships – our relationship with Christ. That’s why we are described as the bride of Christ, and Jesus is described as the bridegroom.

God’s desire is that the marriage relationship be a physical expression of the miracle and beauty of our relationship with Him. In Ephesians 5:25 we read, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” The Bible continues by saying, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

Every marriage has the potential of revealing the reality of God’s grace, love and redemption. That’s why Satan fights marriages so intensely. Your marriage is a physical of expression of what Satan hates – the hope of forgiveness and the grace of redemption.

Conclusion:

Let’s fight for our marriages with the sense of purpose that also makes our marriages  worth fighting for!

Share on Facebook

True communication happens when we are able to listen beyond the angry or agitated words of others. Once you choose to hear beyond their emotions you can discover creative ways to communicate to the heart of your loved one.

2. Effective communication involves being touched by the emotion of others – The Bible challenges us to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. When you are touched by the feelings of others you communicate value to their dreams and concerns. If you come into a relationship thinking about what you’re going to get, you will only “get” disappointment. Great relationships are created by giving!

3. Effective communication skills involve understanding – Author and speaker Ken Blanchard says, “Real communication happens when people feel safe.”   Do you create a place of safety for those around you?  When your friends and loved ones  are around you, do they feel the need to be guarded?

There are two ways to create an atmosphere where others feel safe:  a) reward honesty and b) let them feel that they are being understood, even if you disagree with them. Richard Moss says, ”The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention and compassion.”

Share on Facebook

Your relationships are affected by your emotional health. The healthier you are emotionally the stronger your relationships will be with others. The best thing you can do for your spouse, family and loved ones is to take care of yourself. Here are some tips on how to take care of yourself so you can better care for others:

1. Your emotional health requires you to listen to your emotions – Even though you can’t afford to be controlled by your emotions they are often an indicator of how you are handling the stresses of  life. If you find yourself experiencing an inordinate intensity of emotions (fear, anxiety, anger) or, if there is a particular emotion that seems to be dominating you, usually it is an indication that something is “out of joint” in how you are thinking and approaching your life and relationships.

You may want to discuss with a close friend or your partner the emotions you are struggling with. Often times they will be able to help you identify where the emotions are coming from. Ultimately, it is what you are meditating on that determines your feelings. Your life will always move in the direction of your most dominate thought.

The scripture says; “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” [Philippians 4:8-9]

2. Your emotional health requires that you withdraw - In the Bible we read, “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” [Mark 6:31] Here we see that after an intense time of ministry, Jesus encouraged His disciples to take time to recharge and re-energize their hearts.

In the same way, it is necessary to have a regular time where you withdraw from the demands of life in order to be with Him. It is in these times that you are able to allow His Spirit and Word to breathe new life and energy into your soul.

3. Your emotional health requires you only carry what is yours – It is easy to make the mistake of carrying responsibilities that aren’t yours. You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness. For example, just as you are responsible for your choices and attitudes  it is the responsibility of others to choose their behavior and attitudes. It is exhausting  to attempt to carry the weight of  the responsibility of others  in addition to carrying the responsibility of your  own life. Jesus says, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:29, 30]

Share on Facebook

1. Don’t look to others to make you happy – The first step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is recognizing the true source of happiness. In most relationships we are initially attracted to another person because they make us feel good about ourselves. Yet, if the marriage is to grow, we must realize that it is unfair to make our mate the primary source of our happiness. Mature relationships are marked by each person looking at what they can put into the relationship as opposed to what they can get out of it.

Making the chief aim of our lives pursuing what makes us happy leads to a life of self-centeredness. Even though the Declaration of Independence talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the scriptures are clear that it isn’t the world’s responsibility to make us happy. Happiness is a choice as well as a result of what we choose to value and what we choose to focus on.

2. Forgive and forget – There are hundreds of opportunities each day to be offended and angry. I’ve known people who seem to take advantage of each opportunity. They go through life each day angry and irritated.

Roderick McFarlane in the Reader Digest, December 1992 issue tells the story he heard from his grandmother on her golden wedding anniversary. Within her story Fredrick’s grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. “On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook,” she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. “To tell the truth,” she replied, “I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me mad, I would say to myself, lucky for him that’s one of the ten.”

3. Believe the best – A third step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is choosing to believe the best about your partner. I can’t begin to tell you how often Bonnie and I discovered the source of an argument was because we each assumed the worst of each other in a specific situation.

I heard a story of a couple who were having more than their usual disagreements. They wanted to make their marriage work and agreed on an idea the wife had. For one month they planned to drop a slip in a “Fault” box. The boxes would provide a place to let the other know about daily irritations. The wife was diligent in her efforts and approach: “leaving the jelly top off the jar,” “wet towels on the shower floor,” “dirty socks not in hamper,” on and on until the end of the month. After dinner, at the end of the month, they exchanged boxes. The husband reflected on what he had done wrong. Then the wife opened her box and began reading. The message on each slip was the same which read, “I love you!”

4. Take control of your thoughts and feelings – Finally, how to be happy in marriage begins when we take responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts. Have you ever said, “I can’t help it, she just pushes my buttons.” Or, “He makes me so mad.” The truth of the matter is no one makes us mad. Being angry, or better yet, staying angry is a choice.

Your partner may push your buttons and antagonize you but, keep in mind they are “your buttons.” Even though you can’t control how you are treated by your spouse, you can control how you react. Controlling anger is vital to a long and happy marriage. It is in moments of anger that words are spoken and actions taken that often result in permanent damage to a relationship.

Share on Facebook

Internet safety starts with setting ground rules – Speak with your spouse or children and establish “family computer rules.” that spell out reasonable content and time restraints. In the area of content, establish clearly what is acceptable as well as what would be considered inappropriate images (sexual, violent, etc).

A time restraint might be “We agree to be on the internet only one hour in one setting.” Or, “We agree not to be on the computer after 10:00pm.” Statistics show the number of visits to pornographic sites increases exponentially later in the evening. This is due to the fact that there is greater isolation late at night or in the early morning hours.

The location of the computer should be in a common living area. Since most people use laptops, one rule could be that they are also used in the open living area of the home.

Internet safety starts with using screening devices – Screening devices come in a couple forms. One form is software that is installed on your computer that restricts access to questionable sites. Net Nanny is  a popular software used by many. Another program that restricts access is called Blue Coat K9. These devices also have the ability to restrict the amount of time a user has access to the internet.

Another screening device doesn’t limit access, but records activity and emails a report to the parent or accountability partner on a weekly basis. 3x Church is a great product. It works silently and generates either bi-monthly or monthly reports of internet activity.

Internet Safety starts with honest and open discussion - Whether or not an individual views pornographic material is a matter of the integrity of the user. Ultimately, accountability only works if an individual seeks accountability. Yet, it is important to create a climate where a spouse or child feels safe to be able to share if they are struggling with pornography. Find ways to reward honesty without minimizing the dangers and impact of pornography on the home or relationship.

Share on Facebook

What Women Want was a comedic film released in the year 2000. The film’s main character which is played by Mel Gibson, wakes up one morning with the ability to read women’s minds.  With the significant role women play in our society, if it were possible for a man to read a woman’s mind, he could rule the world!

Even though I’m not a mind reader, after 30 years of marriage here are a few things I have discovered that women want.

1. What women want is to communicate beyond the headlines – Barbara Grizzuti Harrison says, “Women’s propensity to share confidences is universal. We confirm our reality by sharing.” A man sees communication as a vehicle to analyze a situation, so focusing on the headlines makes perfect sense to him. On the other hand, women see communication as a vehicle used to take the emotional temperature of the relationship.

A women’s sense of security is defined by the quality of her relationships. The healthier she is convinced her relationships are, the stronger she feels. As a result, when a man is silent, it’s easy for a woman to imagine the worst. Make an effort to communicate beyond the headlines even when it feels awkward or unpleasant.

2. What women want is to feel safe -There are three primary areas of protection that make a woman feel safe; physical, emotional and spiritual. A good guard dog can provide the first one; it’s only a good man that can provide the remaining two.

a. Spiritual - The best way to protect her spiritually is to make sure you are maintaining your own spiritual health. The more at peace you are with your world, the more secure she feels in your world. In addition, the stronger your relationship with God, the more effectively you are able to love her unconditionally.

b. Emotional - One way to protect your partner emotionally is to resist angry outbursts and to avoid speaking unkind or hurtful words. Unhealthy expressions of anger create insecurity in a relationship. Uncontrolled anger is a form of control and intimidation. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship.

Also, as you are launching out to conquer your world keep in mind she is trying to figure where she fits in. Assure her you are aware of her apprehensions and that your desire is to do everything you can to reduce the risks in your lives and that you want her help and input in the process.

3. What women want is to be cherished – Simple expressions of affection consistently done over time help make a woman feel cherished and valued. Acts of service such as offering to help with her daily tasks (doing the dishes, taking the kids to school), communicate to her that she is valued. These efforts speak louder to her than your income or the success you achieve in your career.

Conclusion

There is a verse in the Bible that has served as a great reminder to me regarding how I am to relate to my wife, Bonnie.  1 Peter 3:7 says,” The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.”

Share on Facebook