Do you often find the need to explain or defend yourself? When around this friend, do you find yourself  feeling guilty for no apparent reason? Do you pretend to agree and go along with things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace? Are you finding yourself isolated from your friends and family in order to maintain the friendship? When you are around this specific person, do you often feel obligated?

We can either be controlled by others or captured by Christ. Knowing that we are accepted by God enables us to find our identity in His love and not the acceptance of others. When we are secure in God’s acceptance we are able to find the confidence to not only recognize an unhealthy relationship, but to break free from its control.

[Romans 15:7] …….just as Christ ACCEPTED you, in order to bring praise to God.

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We approve or disapprove of “things” (behavior, actions, and lifestyles) we accept “people”. One doesn’t cancel the other. Having healthy relationships requires accepting others even if there are things about them we don’t approve or even like.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Overlook an offense and cement a friendship; fasten on to every little  annoyance and — good-bye, friends and hello loneliness!”

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Isn’t that what we all are looking for in our relationships? It is possible to establish long term healthy friendships. There are fundamental skills, as well as a perspective in the way we approach our relationships that enable us to experience solid friendships.

• Explore key relationship tips in making friends and building long term friendships.
• Is it possible to forgive and forget? Discover how to truly forgive others.
• Conflict is a normal part of relationships. Your friendships can either be strengthened or weakened through conflict. Click here to read how to apply the following conflict resolution techniques.
• When thinking about the subject of controlling anger, I thought it would be helpful to identify the different expressions of anger.
• Discover the four signs of unhealthy relationships.
• The people we allow into our world either add to our lives, or subtract from our lives. What are the characteristics of the type of friends that add to us? Here are six characteristics of healthy relationships:

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David Schwartz says, “Big people monopolize the listening. Small people monopolize the talking.”  It is natural for me to monopolize a conversation. I must make a concerted effort to listen more than I speak. Even though I have improved over the years, I still have to force myself to slow down and give the other person plenty of time to say what is on their mind.

The following are 4 effective methods of developing healthy communication in relationships.

1. Mirroring – It happens every time we give our order at the drive-through. Once we place our order,  for the sake of clarification, the person repeats our order back to us .

This is not only helpful when we are placing an order at our favorite fast-food restaurant, but it’s also an effective tool in communication with others. In order to make sure we have understood clearly, it is helpful at times to repeat back what we have heard. For example, “What I hear you saying is”……  If we have misunderstood, then it gives the other person an opportunity to clarify what they are trying to say.

2. Words of life – In  a previous article entitled; Words of Encouragement, I address the power of our words. When it comes to words of encouragement, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying,” Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Most of us can remember times when we have been subjected to hurtful words, careless comments or victims of gossip. We also know how painful those times can be. Jerome P Fleishman says,” Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement -and we will make the goal.”

In addition, not only is what we say is important, but also how we say it. Remarkably, 7 % of communication is through words, 38 % is through tone of voice and 55 % is through non-verbal signals.

3. Keep it salty – Another effective method of communication in relationships is to make sure you are “salting” your communication with words that make your message relevant to your listener.

When we read about Jesus’ interactions with others, we see He always made sure that He had their full attention. To accomplish this, Jesus always brought the conversation close to home. For example, when speaking with the woman at the well, it didn’t take long before the conversation changed from talking about water to addressing her relationships with men.

How does this look for us? Often times, if Bonnie doesn’t feel like I am listening, our conversation may sound like this; “Mike, if we don’t finalize these travel plans by Wednesday, It will cost us twice as much.” At that point she says the words, “cost twice as much” – she has my undivided attention!

4. Paint a Picture – Word pictures are an effective way to communicate what we are feeling. An example of a word picture would be; “When you talk to me like that, it makes me feel like a little girl who is being scolded by her father.”

Word pictures are also effective when communicating positive feelings and encouragement. In the Bible, God communicated His promise to Abraham by having Abraham look at the stars of the sky, telling Abraham that would be the number of descendents God would give him.

These simple methods of communication in relationships will not only increase the accuracy of what is being said, but will result in a greater emotional connection with your friends and loved ones.

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Long-term healthy relationships are possible. There are fundamental skills, as well as a perspective in the way we approach our relationships, that enable us to experience solid friendships. The people we allow into our world either add to our lives or subtract from our lives. What are the characteristics of the type of friends that add to us? Here are six attributes of great friends:

1. They allow the friendship to be governed by the law of love –Three characteristics of love are acceptance, understanding and commitment. The opposite of these is judgment, rejection and manipulation.

When your friends love conditionally, their hope is that your desire for their acceptance will be strong enough to cause you to change your behavior. Inadvertently, they are manipulating you to strive for their acceptance.

2. They are secure enough to celebrate your worth - Great friends are secure in their own worth which gives them the liberty to celebrate your worth and accomplishments. The kind of friends that add to your life aren’t driven by jealousy, but will always encourage you to achieve your fullest potential.

3. They speak words of faith - I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most of us can remember times when we have been subjected to hurtful words, careless comments or have been victims of gossip. We know how painful those times can be. Real friends communicate words of encouragement, hope and faith.

4. They perform unconditional acts of kindness – Another mark of healthy relationships are ones where acts of service don’t come with a price tag. Genuine friends refuse to guilt others in order to get their way. True friends extend themselves without expecting something specific in return.

5. They are patient – Patience is the willingness to bear pain. We all have our weaknesses and imperfections. Patience is the ability to bear the weaknesses of others. Healthy friends will focus on your strengths and patiently bear your weaknesses.

6. They don’t bring up the past – A final characteristic of healthy relationships are those friends who don’t make it a habit of saying, “I told you so.” These friends never use your past to get the upper hand in the relationship. True friends don’t keep a record of offenses or mistakes in your relationship. Ralph Waldo Emerson says, “A man is entitled to be valued by his best moments.”

Conclusion

You may read these six points and long for the kind of friends described here. I want to suggest instead of making your goal to have those kinds of friends, decide rather that you are going to be that kind of friend. If you will do that, you’ll have no shortage of healthy relationships.

Additional Resources

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1. Be accepting - You can’t examining effective relationship tips without addressing the issue of unconditional  acceptance. The most common mistake is not recognizing the difference between acceptance and approval. It is one thing to approve of something; it is another to accept someone.

We approve or disapprove of “things” (behavior, actions, and lifestyles) we accept “people”. One doesn’t cancel the other. Having long term healthy relationships requires accepting others, even if we don’t approve of their decisions.

Many relationships have become a fatality to an attitude of judgment. Even in situations where someone we care about is making self-destructive choices, it is not the rejection of who they are they brings about change. One quote I read says; “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

2. Be gracious - According to Webster, graciousness is marked by an attitude of kindness and courtesy. Graciousness communicates easy approachability.

It’s easy to focus on people’s imperfections. Being gracious allows freedom for people to be themselves. Once we create an atmosphere where others don’t feel need the need to be guarded, then we are able to connect with them on a deeper level.

3. Give people room to make mistakes - Along with the previously listed relationship tips, it’s important to give people permission to make mistakes. Extend the same mercy and grace you would like to receive. If you develop the characteristic of graciousness, you’ll have no difficulty in making friends.

4. Develop a good sense of humor - As a result of our own insecurities; we become preoccupied with our image or reputation. This can cause us to become overly critical of ourselves and others.

Finding your security in God’s love enables you to see the humor in situations. When you don’t feel the need to always protect or defend yourself, those around you become more comfortable. When you understand your worth is found in Him, you laugh easier and smile more often.

5. Be generous – Nelson Henderson says, “The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” Giving to others, with no strings attached, communicates worth to them and adds value to their lives. Look for daily opportunities to “plant a tree” in someone’s life.

6. Be yourself – Don’t attempt to be someone you are not. Be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses. I’m not talking about settling for the status quo in your life. You should have personal goals that you are striving toward. At the same time, you must avoid the temptation of giving false impressions of who you are. When you are comfortable in “your own skin”, those around you relax and feel more secure.

7. Add value to others – When exploring additional relationship tips, it is vital to remember that people either add to our lives, or subtract from our lives. Likewise, we do the same. The art of making friends and maintaining healthy relationships, involves recognizing opportunities we have to add value to the lives of those around us.

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1. Sarcasm – Sarcasm is often an expression of anger which can be veiled in humor and verbalized through demeaning and cutting remarks.

2. Self-destructive lifestyle – Surrendering to a pattern of destructive choices can also be an expression of deep-seated anger. For example, the man who continues to drink, jeopardizing his job, may be a man who given over to an attitude of anger resulting a life of self-sabotage.

3. Rebellion – Rebellion is often an expression of anger. Many times a teenager who seems to find every opportunity to buck against the system at home or school, often is a teenager who is angry, feeling rejected or marginalized.

In controlling anger, it is important to recognize three kinds of anger.

1. Brooding - This is the kind of anger that has over time has settled deep in the heart of a person. It is like a volcano, seemingly dormant but filled with hot lava, brooding, boiling, and just waiting to explode.

2. Explosive – This type of anger are those outward expressions of anger. It is when anger reaches this point where physical and or emotional damage is done to our relationships.

3. Rage – This is the type of anger that when the dust has settled, the individual can’t remember what was said or done. They are literally beside themselves in rage. Unfortunately, we consistently see far too many tragic examples of this expression of anger in the news.

In controlling anger, there are two primary detours that can lead us down the path of anger.

1. When we perceive an attack against our significance – It could be a wife whose husband has violated her trust through an affair. It could be someone who feels betrayed by a friend who discusses with others something that was shared in confidence. Or, it could simply result from the guy who cut us off in traffic.

The bottom line is anger often results when somehow it is communicated to us that we are insignificant, unappreciated or unimportant.

2. We feel we are losing control – Anger can also result when we feel like we are losing power over our lives. Anger is an attempt to control the behavior of others. Whether it is the temper tantrum that leaves in its wake a punched-in wall, or the more subtle “cold shoulder” silent treatment – Both actions are designed to exercise control by controlling others through our emotions.

The First Step to Controlling Anger….

We must first see the key to controlling anger is recognizing the root of anger is fear. When we feel our significance is being attacked we fear we might experience rejection. The underlying force of our anger when we feel we are losing control is the fear of some type of failure.

Our worth and security in God’s love for us. When we begin to embrace this truth, fear loses its hold. The less fearful we are the less authority anger has over our lives.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

Go to the One who loves you perfectly. Let Him show you the source of your fears and the seat of your anger. Allow His love to bathe your heart, washing away your fears and insecurities. You can succeed in controlling anger and rejoice in His love.

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I’ve had things said to me that I couldn’t shake. I would find myself lying in bed at night, rehearsing those words over and over again. Words indeed are powerful. They carry the ability to hurt or heal. Words can either build or chip away at the foundation of our marriages.

When psychologists Cliff Nortarius and Howard Markman studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they discovered that couples who stayed together uttered 5 or fewer put-downs in every 100 comments to each other. But couples who inflicted twice as many verbal wounds — 10 or more putdowns out of every 100 comments — later split up.

As husbands, it is your words of encouragement that help define your marriage. There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” As you speak words of life to your spouse, you are cleansing them from the words of discouragement. You are freeing them from words of criticism, bringing them comfort and joy.

It’s taken me years to figure this out. ( you’re right I am slow)! But, I have seen the heaviness of life lift off Bonnie when I have taken the opportunity to speak words of praise, faith and love to her.

Words of encouragement not only apply to your marriage, but in all your relationships. Author Jerome P Fleishman says,“Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement -and we will make the goal.”

Fuel the hearts of your friends with words of life and hope. Talk up the people around you. Look daily for opportunities to offer praise to your spouse. There’s no telling the miracles you will witness. At the very least, you’ll never be lonely.

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